fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
