someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
