cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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