We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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