Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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