I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
