I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
