So drunk, too bad you don't want this
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
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Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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