I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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