I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i've created a new STD.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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