I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm at about main and main street
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
