I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
