If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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