I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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