if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
