I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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