who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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