GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
