new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
