Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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