Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
