A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
