When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
