I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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