I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
