My balls are so social today.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
