i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I came so hard my ears popped.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
