We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
