Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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