Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
