No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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