Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
