yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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