We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
