Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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