We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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