she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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