i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
