I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Bring me that man meat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
