The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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