if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
