Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
