I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
