It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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