You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
