What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
