Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
