this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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