I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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