Plan B is the new Plan A
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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