In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
