Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
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I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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