I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
