Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
