Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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