I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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