my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
