just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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