I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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