We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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