he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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