I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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