Your dad touched me again.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
